Monday, June 22, 2009

Sweet teeth are made of these...

This one is about a good friend of mine, yes… the one on the bus…yes, the one whom I introduced to you in Have you witnessed a miracle yet? episode …yes, the one who stuck those choco-glasses up my nose (kindly read the Have you witnessed a miracle yet? episode for more details and you will not have these obvious questions in your mind…).

So you may have guessed from reading the now famous “Have you witnessed a miracle yet?” blog, she… yes, my friend, has a tremendous sweet tooth. If you did not… its ok… my blog is never directed towards those with above average intelligence…but, yes…I haven’t seen a sweeter tooth than that one – in fact, all of those teeth…the entire set…is sweet – yes…including the molars and the pre-molars (I know you were wondering…rather unnecessarily).

Coming to think of it, they… yes, the teeth and yes… her teeth are so sweet that they could as well have been made from sugar and you would never know…unless of course if one of them had the misfortune of coming loose and somehow falling into your cup of sugar-less coffee ..(hmm…not such a pretty thought, eh?).

Now, please stop looking askance…its not totally improbable given that sweets have this nasty habit of slowly dissolving and then uprooting perfectly good teeth when you are not looking…and given the sweet intake rate (number of sweet bites per second..also known as SIR) that was measured at the food input point on my friend's interface (the mouth!!…duuuuhhh?!) – it was calculated that a “tooth fall” was highly probable at any given time!

[Those of you who wanted to be scientists (but could not make it), may question the veracity of these measurements given the extremely high sweet intake rate that is obvious from watching her in action. But let me put to rest even that iota of doubt that you may harbor by proclaiming that these measurements were made by 4 ultra high speed Nikon NX2370 cameras that captured every sweet bite that she took, down to the last detail, keeping all other variables constant. These images were then processed by the HP DX3465 last gen super computers using zero-one-eight neural network algorithms to ultimately come up with the correct sweet intake rate (SIR)…can’t get much more accurate than that, eh?].

So, theoretically speaking, if you waited long enough around her with a cup of steaming hot coffee, the probability that you could get some sugar in it for free before your coffee has gone cold, is indeed extremely high! Meanwhile, please stop jumping around with glee expecting to get free sugar in your sugar free coffee – I only said that those teeth could be made of sugar, not that they really are. (Jeez…how people will jump for anything free these days!!). I am sure you did not consider the possibility that if those teeth were really made of sugar, she…yes, my friend would have sucked them all up by now and would literally be toothless (like the fairy…I mean the toothless fairy…no?) – you wouldn’t stand a tiny chance of getting one sugary tooth in your coffee let alone the entire set. Think about it...

Well…I hope that piece of information brought you back to the ground… and I hope it keeps you tethered there. And while you are struggling to stay grounded, be thankful that I saved you from jumping around like an emancipated circus flea for no reason...........I know I did.

Alright then, getting back to the story that I wanted to relate to you … (hate it when people react to stuff without exercising one tiny muscle in their heads – breaks my chain of thoughts…makes me feel like I am trying to fall asleep on a bed full of bed bugs!)

Well…yes – getting back to the story that I wanted to relate to you…this is how it goes…

It so happened that I took some leftover cake from my son’s 7th birthday to the office. I actually was successful in this endeavor mainly because my friend…yes, the one I mentioned above, was running late and was not on the bus that day. Else, the cake wouldn’t have made it to the office….

So… here I was in my office in a meeting (when I think of meetings at the office, a lot of confusing emotions well up in me, but I do not want to deal with them right now… may be I will make it the subject of another blog later on..) and the cake was safely sitting in its box on my desk. We always take our laptops to these meetings – I call my laptop my ultimate productivity device. It allows me to officially attend the meeting and at the same time gives me all the benefits of staying back at my desk – such as browsing the internet, chatting with my fellow workers, work on my blog (my only complaint is that listening to music is a little difficult to accomplish with ten zealots sitting around you…I wish someone made Bluetooth earphones tiny enough so that people wouldn’t know I had them on…).

Well…I am in this meeting and the cake is feeling pretty safe and relaxed sitting in its box on my desk. We are in the midst of a heated debate that’s been raging for the last forty five minutes on the all important topic of what we should order for lunch – pizzas or sandwiches… when my phone comes to life. I ignore it assuming it would be a hapless cold caller trying to con me into insuring my butt (I admire these people – they have what we lack – chutzpah). It rings again and I ignore it again, it rings again and I ignore it yet again – and then my friend (yes, yes the same one) suddenly pops up on the chat window. I am thinking ….. “Now, what could she want? She never pings me unless there is something sweet to eat…” (When I have nothing to eat, I usually offer my head…I know the hair would be a little difficult to chew on and swallow, but hey…who said life was a bed of roses)

Friend: I waaaaant cake!

Me: What cake?

Friend: I waaaaaant cake. I waaant!

Me (surprised): How did you know I brought cake to office?

Friend: I waaaaaant cake!

Me: Ok, let’s meet for lunch and I will bring it with me.

Friend: I waaaaaant NOW!

I realize that I cannot do much with such sound, convincing logic .

Me: Ok, ok – it is sitting on my desk – go and take it. But please leave some for me and my other friends. By the way…it’s a chocolate walnut cake…

Friend: I waaaaaaaaant now! yipppeeee!! I am coming up to get it!

Me: But be careful, someone may think you are trying to steal something from my desk…

>>> Message could not be delivered since the recipient is not online

Meanwhile, in the upper regions of Vaanararajya (Sanskrit for monkey kingdom) – there was a hint of restlessness…there was a new monkey that had made its appearance at one end of the normally mundane scenery. The new monkey on the block (yes, the same one from the bus) was in fact on a secret mission. And like all monkeys that are on secret missions, this monkey was nervous too. It did not belong here and it knew that the other monkeys knew that it was new and if they knew what this monkey knew, the monkey would not make it back home in one piece. The other monkeys pretended to go about their business as usual but… they were watching…

What made this mission so much more dangerous for our monkey was the fact that this was a domain that it had visited only once before, that too under the protective care of its good friend (the one on the bus), which happened to be the chief of one of a dominant monkey clan that resided in this region. And this friend (the monkey chieftain) had just shared with our monkey, precise details about a treasure that was hidden in its lair, a treasure that was coveted among monkeys, a treasure a monkey would die for, a treasure over which brutal battles had been fought in the past…it was the morsel of eternal happiness – the divine Chocwalcake!!

Even under the intense and increasingly suspicious gaze of the monkeys around her, our brave monkey, kept her wits about her! She feigned supreme confidence (tail up, baring teeth in a manic grin) and quickly made her way to where the treasure lay hidden with the intention of grabbing it and making a smooth getaway before the other monkeys realized what happened.

We all know that circumstances always collude to keep Murphy honest and it was no different in this case. The monkey’s audacious plan would have succeeded, had it not been for her tooth…yes, the sweet tooth. Just as she was about to make a clean get away, her now famous sweet tooth decided that it could no longer hang on to its roots. It shuddered a bit, hesitated for just a moment before slipping painlessly off of her gums and falling ‘plop’ into a passing monkey’s early morning steaming hot cup of coffee. The poor monkey, startled by the UFO (well…Unidentified Falling Object) falling into its coffee, promptly dropped its cup of hot coffee on our monkey, which in turn gave a dog-like yelp and dropped the box containing the precious Chocwalcake. The lid of the box came loose making its precious contents visible for all to see!! An immense chatter ran through Vaanararajya as a sudden realization dawned among the monkeys – the intruder was trying to steal the precious Chocwalcake from the local chieftain’s lair under there very noses - a heinous crime – a crime punishable by the feared ‘Tarararkar’ ritual*!
(* The 'Tarararkar’ ritual requires the accused to stand on the lowest point in the kingdom and act like a circus clown in the presence of a 101 monkeys armed with eggs and tomatoes. Monkeys of Vaanararajya often would rather face death than the shame of going through a ‘Tarararkar’.)

Full credit must be given to our monkey for acting quickly to retrieve the box along with its contents, however, it was too late. She found herself surrounded by monkeys advancing with their menacing grins and low, angry growls, chanting Tarararkar’, Tarararkar’!! A quick look around told her there was no way out!!

Just when it looked like there was no hope and surrender to the ignominy of undergoing the dreaded ‘Tarararkar’ ritual was imminent, she remembered something that her friend, the chieftain, had told her the last time that she had visited the Vaanararajya as his guest. He had given her a secret password – this was given only to the most trusted friends of the monkeys of the Vaanararajya – to be used only when it was absolutely necessary! If there was a time to use it, it was now!! Just as the monkey mob reached her, our monkey shouted out with all the strength that she could muster – the three words – “Jai Shree Ram!! “.

The effect was magical – the monkey’s surrounding her immediately bent down and lowered their heads in complete reverence. Our monkey was ecstatic! The password had worked like a miracle! But ....her ecstasy was short-lived....there was something horribly wrong. There were still monkeys who continued to bear down menacingly on her chanting Tarararkar’, Tarararkar’!!
Clearly, the password had had no effect on them!!

Think, think, think, monkey – what happened, what went wrong?? She groped the recesses of her mind for an answer – but all she heard was Tarararkar’, Tarararkar’ – getting closer and closer!! And then, suddenly, enlightenment! She remembered the chieftain mentioning that Vaanararajya was a secular, equal opportunity kingdom – and that could mean only one thing…. gathering all her courage and strength yet again, she shouted in one hurried breath “Allah-o-Akbar! Jesus Saves!! Buddham Sharanam Gachchaami!” And dramatically, one by one the advancing monkeys bent down and lowered their heads with complete reverence! Our monkey had done it – she had defeated the enemy (enemy?? - whatever)! She now grabbed the opportunity that the situation presented and in two bounds was beyond the realms of Vaanararajya - with the box of eternal bliss – the Chocwalcake - nestling safely in her hands!!

I am still in the meeting in the office, the debate is still heated. However, I must admit that we have made significant progress. Now the argument is not about eating pizzas or sandwiches - we are past that. …it is about whether we should order a thin crust or a deep dish pizza. And just when I am about to make my final point on why it must be a thin crust pizza, my good friend pops up on the chat window yet again!!
The message - “Thanks!! That cake was yummmmmmy! :) "